| all the things i remember... were they worth writing down? |
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| if you die right now, you know that i die too. |
[13 Dec 2003|12:08pm] |
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today is a good day.
my mom and my sister rock for accepting me without asking any questions.
i think i'm going to be okay now.
my friends, on the other hand, are a different story.
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[12 Dec 2003|05:30pm] |
kimberly's depression is overtaking her.
and it's killing me because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HER.
i feel like crying. i completely poured out everything i thought she needed but to no avail and now i just feel completely naked. and it didn't even WORK.
she thinks that i can't understand what's it's like.
if she only knew.
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| and i'll never forget this. |
[12 Dec 2003|04:31pm] |
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people who pretend they're depressed for attention suck ass.
me and stacey are hitting the town tonight and we're going to bitch and bitch and bitch and bitch. because, we can without hurting each other's feelings and we both are in dire need of a complete bitch session. <3 stacey.
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| when you're with me baby, the skys will be blue for all my life. |
[11 Dec 2003|09:45pm] |
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the band concert was great.
me and sarah are hereby THE coolest people ever. we had sucha great time together. i swear to god, i don't know what i did to have her as my best friend, but i'm so damn lucky. i love her, man.
and guess what? good things DO happen to good people. mr. duby got the full-time position as the band instructor because he's amazing. i'm not even in band and i love that guy.
=D i think i'm starting to get this whole life thing down pat.
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| please excuse the extreme lack of writing skills... |
[11 Dec 2003|05:31pm] |
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jkajdfk;asdjflsadf. |
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okay, guys. GET THIS. mrs. b complimented me THREE TIMES today in dance. that's like... the weirdest thing of all time. the rest of the day i kept like, randomly dancing and singing because i felt all music-y. ahaha, what a loser i am.
me and michelle and myra SO have the best scene in hart's class. we're turning into a musical because we can. and myra's doing this whole rip-off on beyonce. it's so great, man. we're going to blow the socks off mr. h. well... maybe not, but i think it's pretty cool.
and JASON IS BACK<3333. i got to leave early with him and help him carry his (FIVE HUNDRED TRILLION POUND) backpack to classes. and RIDE THE ELEVATOR like i always wanted to. except it wasn't as cool as i expected because... it smelled like crayons. whoa.
i met aaron's brother today! it was cool, i had no clue who he was, but he knew me and was all "hi carolyn!". whoa, i was like, i have a stalker, this kid knows my name. it was cool though. matt looks nothing like aaron whatsoever. for one thing, his nose is actually like... normal-sized. ahaha, i'm just kidding, i love aaron. seriously, he's the coolest kid and i swear, one day ms. piccinini is just going to kick us both out for talking constantly together. hah.
the band concert is tonight. yeah... should be somewhat enjoyable. the symphonic band is AMAZING, thanks to mr. duby (... who is the sub because mrs. bednard, the teacher, had a baby. but he's like 10 trillion x better than her, and everyone wants him to stay and crap.) and sarah and lisa and kimberly and chris and JOSLYN of course are in band so. wahoo.
okay, and i need to shut up now because this is just one big piece of shit rambling but... corey's not coming here anymore for christmas. i'm so disappointed. i miss that kid so damn much and blah. he's all stuck out there in vegas and he needs to come here for like, his mental health. i worry about him too much.
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| it's not over til it's over... and it's not over. |
[10 Dec 2003|06:46pm] |
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today... today was fun =D
no dance today in performing arts, so i was all chipper and such and i had such an awesome time. mr. hart was cool and let me and michelle do a scene together, and in all honesty, it was one of our worst ones, but HELLO, it's still a michelle-carolyn scene, so it rocked. ahah, i'm kidding. michelle just rocks. she does indeed.
and then i actually worked in the shop today instead of just sitting there like an idiot =D i felt all productive and strong because i was carrying these huge-ass pieces of wood across the room. oh man, i'm such a woman, hear me roar. it was great. i was all hanging out with jessie and jacob because they're awesome. i want to bring jessie to youth group one time because she needs a church and ones with hot emo guys is so right up her (and my) alley.
amanda told this hot kid that i think he's hot today. right in front of me. ahaha, it was funny though, because right after she did, i was like "... oh my gosh", so i pulled her out of the group (me and her and mike and ryan, the hot guy, were in this little circle, talking) and she like... FELL. ahaha, ryan was looking at me like i have five heads.
jason's still not back after that whole breaking the ankle deal. geez, he better get back to school before i die without him. that kid... man, do i love him. he's like, the world's most inspiring person ever and i honestly feel my character is growing just by walking down the hall with him, lol. what a cool guy. he best be getting better soon before i come and drag him out of his house.
and lauren is cool too. that is random, but i don't care because she's like, my best new friend and she makes me laugh like non other =D
and guess what? my mom... she sat me down today and was like "HOW ARE YOU FEELING?". and i told her, because SHE ASKED. this has never happened before and i'm so glad it did because... like, everything is getting better. EVERYTHING. yesterday... like, this whole revolution started and i so know why i'm here now. and it rocks because i have like, this fresh new desire to live.
it's not over yet, kids =D
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| listen up, you kids, this is serious... |
[09 Dec 2003|04:48pm] |
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my mom tried to make me take prozac this morning. i completely refused to. maybe i'm stupid, but i don't think drugs are what i need to make myself happy. i need PEOPLE to actually care. if everyone wants to help so much, why they just sit me down and look me straight in the eye and tell me they want to hear what i have to say? that's all it will take, and i'll be able to take it from there.
seriously, i've gone through this long enough and i've heard enough accounts of people to know what is needed in this world, and that's help and care from other people. if you ask a depressed person why they are contemplating about taking their own life, nine out of ten times the answer will be "because i'm lonely and nobody cares." because that's the message the world sends out to us. this world is cruel sometimes, and it just needs to stop. too many people have lost their lives because people are just so damn selfish. i know i've been selfish too, and i'm going to stop.
so yeah... everyone who read this, look around you for someone who looks like they're having a bad day, and just HELP THEM OUT. say something nice to them, smile at them, that's all it freaking takes. and you have no idea the effect you can have on people. whether that effect be good or bad, that's your choice, and it seems like lately, people are making the wrong choice.
so that's my little sermon of the day. hope you've all enjoyed it.
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| the stars will cry the blackest tears tonight. |
[08 Dec 2003|03:12pm] |
jason broke his ankle or something to that effect today. it was during performing arts, during ms. b's class, and we were doing some crazy dance move. jason fell and his body went a different way than his ankle and it just... snapped, i guess.
and you know what ms. b did? she walked over to him and told him to move over to the side of the studio because he was blocking the rest of the dancers way. that was the best form of sympathy she could muster up.
seriously... what is wrong with people? that's not even the only thing, but it's a prime example. i mean, dude, the guy is clearly hurt. if jason says he's hurt, than he is dying. that kid has proven to me time and again that he is the very definition of genuine, and quite frankly, i believe every word that comes out of his mouth.
this entire world is fucked up. you see stuff like this happen every minute and it's just like, HELLO. we're all in this together and we're all just trying the best we can. can't SOMEONE on God's green earth just... give someone a little slack or a hand or SOMETHING?
and that whole thing was not to try to get sympathy, that was just a mere rant on the stupidness of the world. yep.
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| why does youth group have to end all the time? the thought of school makes me want to die. |
[07 Dec 2003|10:26pm] |
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) f0_sheezy f0_sheezy f0_sheezy... new layout. it's not nearly as cool as my old one, but i suppose i needed a change or something. new relient k icon as well =D
ahem. on to the next matter of business. which is, THE YOUTH GROUP CHRISTMAS PARTY THAT WAS TONIGHT. mwahaha, it was fun. it really, really was. the people in my youth group are amazing. they just are. i wish more than anything that i could spend more time with them, because honestly, i love them all so much. the lack of fakeness that i get to witness each week is one of the only thing that gets me through sometimes. i know i don't talk about them very much, but... i should. because those people seriously save my life every week.
anyhow. it was great. i talked to charlie and sarah like, the whole night and it was awesome. i've always talked to sarah, but this one of the first times i really talked to charlie and oh boy. that kid is hilarious. yes, and... mitchell (mitchizzle because he's a gangsta) bought me soup for my christmas present because ...i love soup. i suppose you could call it a youth group inside joke. and chosun was being hot and stuff the entire night. ahahahaha. i seriously think i might be falling into major puppy love with that kid. he is amazing.
sigh... so another weekend winds down with a fabolous night full of amazing people. thus starts a new week, with two quizzes in the two classes that i'm getting c's in and the prospect of battling fake stuck-up people, my ex-boyfriend, and the people that just don't get it.
i hate this. i want so much to like, live with my youth group. judgemental and fake people make me want to die and the thought of facing the world again tomorrow... this just all seems so pointless. i'm like, wasting my life by living the way i do and i can.not.stand.it. i hate feeling so fucking depressed all the damn time.
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| i'll stop the world and melt with you. |
[06 Dec 2003|01:29pm] |
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joslyn pulled me out of bed at 11 this morning and made me go christmas shopping with her. we went in our pajamas because we are both cooler than you (and we're lazy, but... i like to pretend it's because i'm cool).
the parking lots were horrendous. it was near impossible to get a parking spot anywhere, and leaving the store was quite the adventure as well. we always had like five cars fighting for our spot when we drove out of it. it was like wwf (wwE, excuse me.) with cars.
sigh. i love the holiday season.
today is lisa's party. it should be fun because sarah and me have plans to be complete retards the entire time. whoopee. mom has to pick me up at 8:30 tomorrow morning because me, her and joz are all reading the advent thing in church tomorrow. yeah, wow, we rock. it was completely against our will too. they (they being... i'm not sure. someone from the church. my mom took the call) called us up and were like "happy holidays! oh by the way, you're reading in front of church on sunday! check your mail! *hang up before we could say no*"
yesem... and tomorrow is also the youth group party!@(*@(!! i'm so excited, dude. the people in my youth group are amazing. especially laurel and... someone :X ahahaha.
and on a totally random note - today is vivian's birthday. she's the big 1-5 today. how awesome. she's like, the best bus buddy i could ever have dreamt up. go viv.
i want an icon with joel on the cover of ap because... that's hot. *dies*
edit; ha, and for those who care? i somewhat enjoyed the life of david gale yesterday. just because... the ending. wow. i actually jumped off the couch it was so cool.
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| how am i supposed to feel about the things i've done? |
[05 Dec 2003|05:47pm] |
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oh man. you kids rock. i don't even think you understand what your comments did for me when i read them today. it's people like you that make it easier to stay in this world. (especially you, _yourlipstick)
anyhow... today was better. there are some really stupid and ignorant people in this world, but then there are some that just amaze me with their awesomeness, and i guess those are the ones you have to stick with. megan and aaron and jason really blew me away today with how much they seemed to care about me. like megan, who's one of nick's good friends (and who i became friends with like the second day of school, way before i even talked to nick) was so supportive of me and all that. she totally understood where i was coming from on a bunch of different levels and it was great knowing that i'm not alone in this. she's awesome and i love her for not taking sides.
yeah... and aaron, he rocks too. jason, irda and i performed a skit for our english class today for a project, and aaron just came up to me and was like "you're an awesome actress." and perhaps in my vulnerable state this meant more to me than it should have, but dude. i wanted to hug him. aaron is always doing stuff like that. he's just so nice to me. he always has something nice to say and he always stands up for me. he's just... he's awesome, man.
and jason rocks because he's jason and i love him for being the most genuine person i have ever met. maybe his battle with cancer made him realize that life's too short to be fake or something. i dunno, man. he's just amazing and he inspires so much. as corny as that sounds, it's the absolute truth.
so yes... now it's almost six, and my mom's making me watch the life of david gale with her. blah, whatever, movies are fun, but i'm so sick of thrillers. really, they're all the same and they're stupid, but my mom is cool, so... off i go.
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[04 Dec 2003|05:03pm] |
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i don't understand why i'm so fucking mean.
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[03 Dec 2003|10:04pm] |
i'm not ready to be owned by someone yet.
tomorrow i shall make myself single once more.
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| "and you were like WHOA, and we were like WHOA, and then you were like ...whoa." |
[03 Dec 2003|05:09pm] |
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really tired but... =D |
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half day today =D
hung out with sarah for a few minutes, and then went out to lunch with her and kimberly. olga's, man. that place is yum. so was our waiter. all is good.
and then sarah was stupid and went to volleyball practice, so i hung out at kimberly's house until like, 4. we watched old kid videos about talking donuts and finding nemo. because dory is like, THE COOLEST EVER. you know you all envy her whale call.
i've been completely out of it for like, a week. so if i sound like i'm high... i'm not. i'm just out of it. har.
i had a dream about someone last night and now i can't wait for laurel's party on sunday...
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| we'd hang out every night and watch the sun go down... as long as we could watch rise again. |
[02 Dec 2003|08:03pm] |
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blah on stupid people. |
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my mom made me go grocery shopping with her tonight. it was boring and lame, so i started skating down the aisles on the cart and making people scatter when they saw me coming. mwahaha, damn straight. i own the grocery store.
uh... yes. i would like to state that some people can be really stupid. like, when i get YELLED AT for liking good charlotte. dude. people who don't like "mainstream bands" just because they're "mainstream" are just proving to the world how stupid they are and how much they want to prove to the world how punk they are. which is stupid and a waste of my time. i'm sorry, but i don't take myself that seriously. i have better things to do. like scaring old people in grocery stories.
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| everynight we sing this song for you. |
[02 Dec 2003|04:07pm] |
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i want to write and i have things to say but i don't feel like saying them. what now.
uh... half day tomorrow. i'm not hanging out with nick because i'm sick of being The Girlfriend. if things work out, i'll hopefully be hanging out with a bunch of theater dorks like myself and baking cookies at terri's.
and yes, my computer is still screwed up. gotta love them 'puters, man.
i'm in one of those moods where every song i listen to... the lyrics and the guitar riffs and whatnot... sound absolutely beautiful. *sigh* i love it.
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| uh... *twiddles thumbs* |
[01 Dec 2003|04:15pm] |
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afjkeja;fjefjaksdf. |
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my computer is screwed up. it's hard to get on the internet and stuff and it like, randomly closes down. lovely. so yeah... if i like, disappear, i haven't died or anything. my computer has.
89x concert tonight with dashboard & rancid... yeah, i'm not going to that anymore. i wish i was but... things fell through or something. i'm not even sure what happened but i'm not going. sigh. i shall move on.
oh, and brandon boyd from incubus? uh yeah, hi, he's so my future husband :D
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| i wonder what she's doing when i'm singing myself to sleep. |
[28 Nov 2003|09:29pm] |
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neeeeeeeeww icon =D
but i had to get rid of billay to make it fit. sigh. such is life.
uh... today effin' rocked because i was lazy and did absolutely nothing except decorate the house all christmas-like with joslyn and mom and alan, (who is now BACK because joslyn and him are too cool together =D aw, i love it. it feels all right and cute again.) and i colored a bunch too. don't even hate because you know you wish you could be as cool as me. someday kids... someday.
oh yes and i got the christmas relient k cd. WHICH IS AMAZING, might i add. everyone should go scurry out and buy it now. yes... scurry. why not.
this entry made no sense but i dont care because i'm in a good mood for the first time in ever and the change is making me positively GIDDY. i love it, man. the holiday season freaking owns me.
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[28 Nov 2003|12:36pm] |
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if i ever become depressed again, just hit me over the head and tell me how good i have it and knock some sense into me... please?
i am so done with feeling sorry for myself. life is just too fun to waste it that way.
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| and she said "no no no, i know that everything is going to be just fine". |
[27 Nov 2003|01:22pm] |
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slightly out of it. |
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HAPPY TURKEY DAY and stuff :D
I don't understand why I keep getting pop-up ads for penis enlargement pills.
And for the random record, as much as I love North, nothing... NOTHING beats Leaving Through The Window.
edit;
MARY: Happy Thanksgiving!I hope your turkey and canned yams were worth the lives of the Indians who were slaughtered for it, you imperialistic fuck
i love my friends :D
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